Your Highness
by hallowedmaiden
Summary: Jack, troubled after leaving Lizzie on an island, writes her a letter explaining why he did it, among other things. Post AWE. Sparrabeth.
1. Your Highness

**_A little series. Each chapter will be a bit of a letter Jack sends Lizzie post-AWE. _**

* * *

_Your Highness,_

_..._no, _that doesn't sound quite right. _

_My lady,_

_...nevermind, I'm not Turner. _

_Miss Swann,_

_...sorry, I forgot that _that_ piece of treasure was already claimed. _

_Elizabeth,_

_...too formal. I figure that since you killed me, I can call you whatever I like now. Haughty, stubborn, insufferable, bea-_

_Lizzie,_

_...that sounds about right. You're probably scoffing at it as you read it though. 'How dare that miserable pirate call me such things' or something like that anyway. Whatever it is you say in your head as you pretend that you don't like it. _

_And now you are getting indignant that I suggested that you _do_ like but, but stuff it darling, I'm not and never was stupid. _

_At least, not about that. Perhaps about a great deal of other things...in fact, why don't you respond, if you deem me worthy of a response, with a list of all the things that I have been stupid _about_. I'm sure it will be quite lengthy. _

_Sitting here in my cabin, a place that you spent entirely too little time in, I am realizing that we never got the chance to really talk...and I don't mean about Turner, or about your inner struggle involving me, or about how 'ready you are to get married'...I mean, just _talk.

_I suppose without me dragging you into a losing battle with a giant squid, we _could_ have talked...but then I wouldn't have had any excuse to get you on my ship at all so that is kind of a moot point. _

_Kidnapping was certainly out of the question...it would have taken entirely too long to convince you that it was what you wanted anyway, and while I have a lot of patience…_

_I also didn't quite trust my ability to navigate Port Royal without being threatened with a rope, at least, not anymore. You wouldn't exactly be following me around to protest. And from my perspective at the time, you were being happily married off anyway...leave it to my luck to have me climb through your bedroom window to find you and Turner...I shudder to think about it. _

_And if you were to show up in Tortuga just to see _me_, well, not only were the odds of that less than nothing, I would have most certainly concluded that you were a hallucination. There was also the possibility of _you _finding _me _in a rather compromising situation…_

_The point is, what relationship we had was a product of deceit and dishonesty, and I rather wish that hadn't been the case. But, sometimes I'm a selfish person and that selfishness leads me to make choices that I regret once in a while…_

_I...well...I love to tell stories, as you know, but I hazard a guess that you are one of the few people that would ever get to hear the true stories. I don't entirely know why, but I have some difficulty lying to you. Obviously, I _did_ lie to you, but that didn't mean I loved doing it. _

_You're probably remembering the island now, where after some shrieking and prodding (from you), I completely abandoned the turtle story and told you that I really was just a drunk pirate. I definitely remember your face after I said that...kind of looked similar to you realizing that who you thought you wanted isn't who you really wanted...I guess it took a hurricane to enlighten you, but never mind. _

_Our ideals don't always line up with reality nicely, do they?_

_...I need something to drink. I'll get back to this later._

_Perhaps you should have a drink too. You might need it._


	2. In Case You Were Confused

**_Part II. :)_**

* * *

_Bollocks._

_I've developed a new habit, thanks to you, and allow me to tell you how unbecoming it looks for a pirate captain to be constantly chewing on his lips. I've also...increased other habits but...let's leave that to your imagination, shall we?_

_(I say leave that to your imagination as though it hasn't already entertained the thought. I'm sure it has.)_

_There is an entire bottle of rum here, and I've only had one drink, so one of two things is going to happen. Either it is going to help me write the rest of this letter, or I am going to get too drunk to spell my name. _

'_He's always drunk anyways'...well, actually, love, I'm not. Right, right, hard to believe, I know, but I like to act more drunk than I am. Keeps the world bearable. _

_Let's go back to the island for the moment, while it is on my mind...did you know that your dress was pretty much see through? And are you aware of how much effort I had to put into not being painfully aware of it? Probably not, because you were too busy shouting at me. _

_I bet you're blushing._

_This might sound crazy, but I was disappointed when Norrington showed up. Actually, I was disappointed before that, but it was buried under my intense and sudden desire to inflict bodily harm on you being that you burned the only other thing that was keeping me sane. _

_I didn't, though. Shoot you, that is. Never would have. You could probably burn the Pearl down and I still wouldn't be able to hurt you. Might shout at you a lot, call you lots of names, but I wouldn't hurt you. Sounds like weakness, probably is, but apparently I can't change it. _

_That was the most fun I'd had in awhile, dancing around the campfire. (That time I actually was rather drunk.) _

'_Of course he was, he commented on how good the scenery was while'-let me just stop that train of thought and confirm for you that I was most definitely talking about the very tempting glimpse I was getting of your breasts. _

_Damn it, you were frustrating, mostly because you had no idea how much hold you had over me that night. _

_(Also, please don't actually burn the Pearl down.)_

_You're rather lucky that I did pass out, because while I pride myself on my self control, you really put it to the test. Had I managed to stay conscious a little longer, I might have tried to weasel my way into a kiss...and I don't think I have to tell you that you would have wanted more than a kiss at that point. _

'_No I wouldn't have, I loved Turner'..._

_...yeah, let's talk about that. _

_That you don't. _

_Love Turner. _

'_I do'-_

_No, you don't. _

_You may care for Turner, you may, well, whatever it is, it isn't love. _

'_How does he know, he's never been in love…'_

_I can actually picture your facial expression perfectly. A burning curiosity in your eyes, while your lips are tightened into such an extreme display of denial that you look like a fish. _

_And to correct you, I have actually. _

_...Been in love, but don't think for one second that I like it. I rather want to crumple this entire thing up and throw it into the ocean. _

_I don't like it for several reasons. Reason one is that the person whom I have apparently fallen in love with is also the person, the only person that has ever managed to kill me. Explain to me how the fuck that works please, because I am at a loss. _

_Reason two is that even if that person admits that she loves me back, she is too goddamn stubborn to act on it, and will remain on her stupid little island until her dead husband returns ten years later. _

_Reason three is that I don't want to be in love. I never did. I wanted...well it doesn't really matter what I wanted because evidently I'm not the one making the decisions. Life is rather difficult when your brain and your heart are disagreeing. One has to give in. I am going to wager that is won't be my heart, and I will chew broken glass before I cut it out. _

_So._

_Actually, I will give you a moment. I'm sure you've passed out or started crying, shouting, smashing things, or something. _

_I'm telling you all of this because I will lose my mind if I don't, you probably think I've already lost it, and believe me, so did I...but back when I was still trying to convince myself that I just wanted to fuck you (around the same time that you were trying to convince me how good of a man I was), the denial was my shield. _

_I guess I don't get to be in denial anymore. _

_(I also still do want to fuck you, in case you were confused.)_

_But I want more than that. _

_And it's terrifying. _

_I'm also telling you all of this because I would wager every single gold coin I have ever looked at that you feel _exactly_ the same way about me. _

_Let me have another drink. I want to talk about my rather inconvenient murder next, and that is a subject neither of us want to think about. _

_Too bad, so sad. There is stuff between us that needs to be said, and if it burns one hundred bridges elsewhere, so be it. _


	3. Surprise

**_Part III! :)_**

* * *

_Are you aware that I was aware of your awareness of how imperative it was in the moment for me to die? _

Aye, _I knew_.

_That I had to die. A selfish man certainly never wants to die, and will, in fact, explore every possible avenue to avoid doing so...but in the end, even a selfish man has to accept that which he cannot change. _

_And I couldn't change the fact that being the foolish man I was, I signed my soul over to Jones in exchange for my ship. I kept telling myself that I would find a way out, that I wouldn't come to face the end of the time I had bargained for the Pearl…_

_...but death is an unconquerable enemy. _

_However. _

_Knowing I had to die was one thing. Finding out the manner in which I was to die is quite another. Problem is, I figured it out a second too late. _

_Apparently you were quite the distraction, which is obviously what you were hoping for. Fitting actually, for me, to be tricked by the one thing that I had sworn off for life. _

_But I guess you really can't choose some things. _

_I...wasn't angry at what you did. I would have done the same thing had I been in your position. It made sense. Rationally, I couldn't be angry. _

_I was angry at how you did it. Generally, I like to have a choice in most things. You chaining me to the mast took that away. You didn't trust me to make the right choice, I get that, and I can see how you came to that conclusion, but it still stung a little. _

_I'm sure you have figured out now that I planned to stay whether you interfered or not. Whether that makes you feel more or less guilty is pretty irrelevant now, so don't dwell on it. _

_And that still wasn't really what I was angry about. I just didn't admit...well, in order to admit what I was actually angry about, I had to admit something far more uncomfortable. _

_See, through our, admittedly limited interactions, I felt that there had come to be a connection between us...an understanding of sorts. _

_A beginning…of something. Or at least something for you. I was already around the bend and down the river. _

_I was angry that it was you. _

_That you could do what you did...to _me_. _

_At the very least, I thought you would hesitate, but you looked at me like I was...less. Like I was just...a means to an end._

_And I was angry that it was you for two different reasons. One, because I felt that I had betrayed my own intelligence. Two, because...well, surprise, I do in fact have a heart, and it can in fact be broken. _

_I hate everything I just wrote. _

_But it's the truth. _

_Now, let's be fair. I did, for a moment, try to save my own ass. You were probably rather irritated about that. _

_But I came back, and that is something I never do. I taught myself a long time ago that choices are permanent, and once you make one, don't look back. _

_My bloody stupid fucking compass evidently disagreed, and pointed straight back at the ship. _

_At you, specifically. _

_And I knew that I would rather die than leave you to die. _

_How very un-piratey of me. Blast._

_Would I have still come back if I knew that you intended to chain me to the mast?_

_Aye. _

_Would I still come back if I knew that you would never utter a single apology for it?_

_Aye. _

'_Is the man insane?'_

_No, and if you really did think that, then I think you underestimated how badly I wanted to kiss you._

_That kiss was worth dying for. _

_And you can swear up, down, and sideways that you only kissed me to trick me, but we both know that's a lie. _

_You loved that kiss just as much as I did. _

_Well...apparently not actually because you decided to...with Turner instead of me…_

_How was that, by the way? I've never actually had a virgin before but I can't imagine that Turner had any clue what he was doing any which way. _

_Did he even know where to put it? _

_And how long did it last? Thirty seconds? A minute is too generous. _

_I mean, it could have gone on for an hour and it would have made no difference for you. Making a woman orgasm actually takes skill that Turner will never have. _

_Stop blushing. I am certainly not implying that I possess such skill...okay, I am implying that, but as I have said three times now, you're on the island and I am on the ship and our feelings towards each other are all but smoke in the wind now._

_I could probably end the letter here, but as this is probably the last time I will speak to you in any significant way, I might as well write you a novel. _

_Let me have another drink. _


	4. Nine Times

**Part 4 :) R&R. **

* * *

_There comes a point, love, when even a man such as myself grows tired of bottling everything up. When you hold the same thing inside for so long, it expands, fills you until it no longer obeys, until it begins beating its own heart. _

_I figure that this...that these...thoughts I have...about you, well truly they originate with a half-baked rescue attempt and then a half-baked escape attempt...but I was too distracted by a commodore with a permanent look of constipation thrusting a bayonet in my face to really dwell on it...then I had to deal with Turner and his irritating heroism...then there was Tortuga, and…_

_...the island. The single greatest frustration of my life that involved another person. It was...well, let's just say that you leaving that island a virgin was a fucking miracle. I considered asking for thanks about that...but then I thought about it, and decided that it wasn't something that deserved thanks. Me reigning in my wild lust was more deserving of a scolding since it was a very close call. _

_(Though, had I taken you, you would have _definitely_ thanked me.)_

_Also, Turner...it really wasn't so much that Turner was willing to die for you, because obviously I was too...it was that he really thought that he had to work so goddamn hard to win you. He had to turn himself into a fucking fairy-tale prince to get you to look twice at him...while I just had to show up._

_I wish you could see me grinning._

_Then I had to watch you propose marriage to the constipated commodore to save the frilly blacksmith and the stick up his ass...while I am skilled at pretending I don't give a shit about anything that is going on around me, I was quite rankled about that. I rather wanted to snatch his wig off and beat him to death with it. _

_But I resisted that temptation...and somehow I still ended up sentenced to hang. After rescuing you...three times. Actually four times._

_Four bloody times. _

_Five if you count me rescuing you from my kidnap attempt. _

_And we aren't even to the other times. The one you know about...when you clung to my leg like a barnacle as I painstakingly lined up that shot...the other one…_

_I'm not sure why I didn't tell you about it. Maybe I didn't want to make you feel unsafe…_

_Might as well tell you now, since I doubt there is anything on that island that could worry you save from falling down the hill. _

_During the voyage to Isla Cruces, one of my newer crew members...thought he might sneak a feel while I was sleeping...well, while he _thought_ I was sleeping. Naturally, since sleep is a rare luxury for me, fortunately I heard him knocking about trying to figure out where _you_ were sleeping. _

_When I confronted him and asked him what exactly he thought he was doing, he really chose to tell me that 'you were open game and he was going to take his share'...I explained to him in great detail how I would remove each of his fingers and feed them to him if he even thought about going in the direction of your cabin again. _

_I guess...that didn't necessarily save your life per say, but it did save your innocence..._

_Needless to say, he avoided both of us like a mouse might hide from a starving cat. If you had the weird feeling that a crew member had vanished...no loss anyway. He could barely tie a knot. _

_Then there was the parachute, and I'm not sure if you count stabbing the heart, that was more to save Turner for you...but considering that is who you chose to give your innocence too, it saved your life in some way. _

_So...nine times? I have saved your life in some sort of way nine times. _

_Huh, how about that. _

_Now, one could argue that it was a byproduct of other activities…_

_That would be me arguing that to myself, but eventually I figured out that it had nothing to do with anything else. I just couldn't live if you didn't. _

_It is strange for me, having my life depend on another one. I have half a mind to crumple this letter up and forget about it, about you, about all of it; just sail and pillage my days away until I get too old to get up to the helm, but I am also about taking risks and chasing things I want...obsessively so. _

_I am stuck here, Lizzie. I want to both deny you, and chase you. The only question is...will depriving myself of trying hurt more...or being told no…_

_I suspect the former, because then I would always be wondering. At least with a no, there would be nothing left to wonder about. _

_You never really told me no, but you never told me yes either. It was more of a string that I just slid back and forth on, a delicate balance of maintaining the comradery between us while trying to prod you into taking my side. Each time I thought I had you, you washed away like a receding wave. _

_Turns out, you are just as hard to capture as I am. _

_Fitting, I guess._


End file.
